


breakdown

by Ulysses23



Series: projection [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Fluff and Angst, M/M, References to Depression, doyoung is very stressed about trying to be employed and jaehyun comforts him, mostly angst but some fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2020-10-21 16:02:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20696243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ulysses23/pseuds/Ulysses23
Summary: Doyoung just wants to be happy, so why can't he be happy?inspired by the song "arms" by Christina Perriedit: sorry I kept changing the title of this story





	breakdown

**Author's Note:**

> initially wrote another fic but it wasn't turning out the way I wanted it to (probably will post it later)
> 
> also just cried for 20 minutes because of the pressure of uni so here's me projecting my feelings on Doyoung and wishing I had a Jaehyun in my life. (i've had this idea in mind but i guess now's the time)
> 
> [probably not an accurate depiction of actual depression but i've just been going through a depressive mood for the past week so this is what i've been feeling]
> 
> edit: I redid the summary because tbh it was not that accurate imo

_I hate everything,_ Doyoung thought to himself. _I fucking hate myself, I fucking hate school, I fucking hate the societal pressure of getting a degree and finding a job you hate. I just want to be happy, so why can't I be happy?_ Doyoung was currently in the bathroom. It was 1am and he couldn't sleep so instead of tossing and turning in bed, he went to the bathroom to clear his head. But it made it worse. Now he was fully awake with thoughts constantly bombarding his brain. _You're worthless. Never had an internship, fooled around in Europe for three months instead, and barely had part-time jobs. Now look at you. Everyone else had an internship. You're graduating in the Spring but who's going to hire you with your worthless experience?_ Doyoung was staring at the mirror, holding back tears. He could just feel his reflection mocking him, mocking everything he's ever done, or rather, what he hasn't. 

_I can't believe Jaehyun even likes you, a worthless piece of shit,_ his reflection says a sneer forms. He was right. How could Jaehyun ever like him? Jaehyun, the perfect boy who's handsome, smart, and kind. The perfect boy who's so charismatic with multiple internships and seems to know everyone on campus. Jaehyun was too good for him, a nobody with no internships and almost no friends. Why did Jaehyun even like him in the first place? Why did Jaehyun want him as his boyfriend when there were so many better people he could have liked? _I don't belong here,_ he thought.

God he wish he could just talk to someone about this. It was now 1:40am and Doyoung was still in the bathroom, hands gripping the counter edge a little too tightly and tears flowing down his face. No one would be awake at this hour to talk to him. It's not like he had anyone to talk to anyways. Instead, he just continued to sob, eyes shut closed as the tears streamed down his face with no end in sight. He tried to be quiet, holding back the choked sobs, but he couldn't help the large gasp of breath every now and then. He couldn't even hear the bathroom door creak open.

"Doie?" Jaehyun was awake, standing tentatively at the door while rubbing his eyes. Doyoung didn't even respond, too busy sobbing. Instead, he turned his head away in shame that Jaehyun had even caught him like this. "Doie, what's wrong?" Jaehyun was wide awake now, and worried, inching a little closer with a hand reached out to hold onto Doyoung's shoulder. Doyoung tried to retreat from his touch but the next thing he knew, Jaehyun was hugging him closely. "Oh Doie, it's going to be okay. Everything will be okay." Jaehyun hugged him tighter, kissing Doyoung's temple as he sobbed into his chest, and whispering loving affirmations into his ear. "I love you so much Doie, and nothing is going to change that. You'll always be my sweet bunny who's so smart and caring. You've done so much in the world and you've traveled so much of the world. No one is like you, with your cultural experiences and your massive knowledge. Doie, you mean so much to me and you have the ability to do great things in the future, we just have to find one that fits." 

The sobbing had quieted down, an occasional sniffle was heard but the sobbing had mostly stopped. Jaehyun loosened his hug and cradled Doyoung's face, wiping away the tear streaks on his cheek using his thumb. Doyoung slowly opened his eyes and wanted to start sobbing again knowing that Jaehyun had seen him like this, seen him so vulnerable. Jaehyun kissed his forehead, a gentle kiss that lingered. "How do you feel?" Jaehyun asked. "Still like a piece of shit, but better. Thank you, I didn't mean to wake you, sorry." Doyoung eyes casted downward, ashamed of what had just happened. Jaehyun kissed his forehead again, and then his nose, and finally his lips before speaking again. "It's okay, I woke up without you by my side and I got worried. The bathroom light was on and I heard some noise so I wanted to make sure you were okay. What's on your mind that's making you cry?"

_A lot of things are on my mind,_ Doyoung thought to himself. Jaehyun continued to look at him with a worried look so, he let the thoughts out. "I've been thinking a lot about how I'm graduating this year but I've never had an internship or barely any work experience and that I won't be able to find a full-time job after I graduate. And then I started thinking about how you've accomplished so much and that I don't deserve to have you as my boyfriend because there are better people out there for you." Doyoung felt like a burden was lifted, but there was still a sense of embarrassment of what he had just said out loud. "Oh Doie, didn't you hear me? You've done so much in the world and traveled so much, no one is like you. You're so smart and caring and you mean so much to me. Nothing is going to change that. Whether or not you've had an internship, you have so many cultural experiences and a wide range of knowledge that you can offer. We just have to find one that fits. I love you Kim Doyoung, with all my heart." 

Now Doyoung was definitely going to cry again. And just as he was about to, Jaehyun pulled him into another hug, his arms wrapped securely around his body as he kissed his temple. In his arms, Doyoung felt _at home_.

**Author's Note:**

> right after me crying for 20 minutes i decided to just write this in one shot. if you find this relatable, know that you are not alone and everything does get better. before i started crying i applied to a few jobs on campus so I can start making money to buy stickers. (sometimes it's the small things that motivate you). it's a process and it's okay if you feel shitty at times. let yourself feel shitty and cry it out of your system. but also know that you are so incredible and that no matter all the small or big things you've done, those are still accomplishments that you did. 
> 
> i feel a lot better after writing this. i hope you have a wonderful day/night whenever you're reading this. 
> 
> (also who else want's a Jaehyun in their life?? he's not even my bias but damn can he come into my life like that)


End file.
